I’d just like to pre-warn you that this post opens a huge can of emotional worms. If you’re not into soppy posts or don’t really care about my life (it’s okay, I’m not very interesting) you can skip this post and go straight to the next one. It’s fine, it has pretty pictures.
This weeks pot of inspiration is a very personal and emotional one for me right now. I didn’t plan to mention it on my blog quite yet while it’s so painful for me, but I think I’ll be able to put it across in a much more truthful and emotional way whilst it’s all fresh in my mind, in the hope that it may possibly (hopefully) help one person who reads it.
Last Friday I was waiting for the decision that would determine my entire life. Dramatic, okay yes, but understatement, nope. As you will know if you’ve read some of my other posts (brownie points for you) I applied for medicine and had received 3 out of 4 decisions, all being rejections. Last Friday was the day I was to find out the last one. Dum dum dummm.
I know it’s a huge cliché but I had always wanted to be a doctor, to be the one person that people turn to when they are at their most weak and vulnerable, and being able to pull them back from that and see them flourish. It was the closest I would ever get to being a superhero.
It was a very tense day, everyone I know was crossing their fingers and toes and I must have drunk the canteen out of tea. To be honest that probably didn’t help, it just made me even more on edge. Anyway I went home and got out my laptop and waited…. and waited… then eventually it came through. Rejection.
I had all my future planned out and had been preparing for years, and it was all taken away from me in one snotty email. I’m not very good at putting things poetically, but I was absolutely distraught and heartbroken. I was slobbering and weeping like I imagine my dogs do if I hold a treat in front of their nose but don’t let them eat it. I must have look the most attractive I ever have in my life, eyeliner smudged down my cheeks and tomato-face syndrome just about hiding my tear soaked foundation. Lovely.
A man was actually meant to be coming to measure up for our new blinds so I had to quickly pull myself together and put on a brave face but as soon as he left I just broke into tears. I’d never felt so ashamed and disappointed in myself all my life.
As a “high achieving” student I’d never really had to deal with failure before and honestly I’ve found it really difficult. It’s ironic really, I posted just three weeks ago about turning your failures into your successes, yet here I was wallowing in self-pity and shame. But like I said in that post, I just needed to get back up on my horse and ride it like it’s never been ridden before. I still can’t ride a horse but what I can do is put all of my determination and passion into getting the best A levels I can, going and doing a Medicinal Chemistry Masters at a Russell Group university. I’ll put everything I have into it, do the very best I can, get a PhD, become a world-renowned chemist and sweep up a Nobel Prize for Chemistry on the side.
A tad ambitious? Yep. But if your dreams don’t scare you they’re not big enough.
And who knows, maybe there’s something brilliant waiting to be created that otherwise would remain undiscovered. Maybe I will help save thousands if not millions of people’s lives all over the world, not just the people that pop into my surgery. Or maybe I’ll decide that I do still really want to do medicine and will be able to apply as a graduate with a big advantage, and appreciate it much, much more. You never know, anything can happen.
One thing I do know though, is that I will never regret trying.
Previous Midweek Motivation posts here.